


It's not cool until it's SQUIPed, right?

by Father_Of_Death



Series: For the music men (Joe Iconis and Joe Tracz) [2]
Category: Be More Chill, Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Angst, Other, SQUIP angst, also dedicated to my SQUIP friend, and george salazar, and joe iconis, and will connolly, but int he form of eric william morris, hi, i want the sweet release of deaht, like hate me, the fucking angstiest shit pile
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-22
Updated: 2017-06-22
Packaged: 2018-11-17 06:52:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,329
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11270253
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Father_Of_Death/pseuds/Father_Of_Death
Summary: wow angst written before summerween, enjoy the fucking panic attacks, enjoy everything that i fucking hate put onto my lover boy he(e)re. i love you jeremy heere and i'm sorry





	1. no, please.

Jeremy realizes something is off when he sees Christine, Jake, Rich, and Chloe surrounding Michael at his locker. They are in a discussion, but Jeremy doesn't stop because Michael seems to be okay. Jeremy goes to wave at them but his gaze is met with glares. He puts his hand down and continues to his locker. He passes Brooke in the hallway, going to wave but she looks away from him. He gulps down the small amount of sadness, she's probably having an off day. He sits down in his first period class, an English class he shares with Christine. She ignores him, even when he goes to talk to her about the fall play, she continues to put her books in her bag without a peep. She walks out without a peep, Jeremy looks at the doorway wistfully before making his way to the rest of the morning schedule. Jeremy tries to speak to Michael during lunch, but before Michael can say anything Rich glares at Jeremy, shutting him up. Jeremy leaves lunch early, feeling the glares and feeling unwanted. He sits in the bathroom, tapping away at his phone and trying to tap away the stupid anxiety melting it's way into his chest. He can hear the Keanu Reeves in his head, telling him stuff he can't try to believe again. A tear falls down from his face, he wipes it away and he goes to talk to Michael. His only emotional staple.  

heereicome,heereigo,cottoneyejere: mike?  

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heereicome,heereigo,cottoneyejere: michael? 

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Jeremy feels more tears fall down his face, a bad churning feeling in his stomach. He stands up, a small shock reverberating through his back as he feels the ghostly pain on his back. He crushes back into the tile wall, backing aching with pain as tears plaster his face and just wants to go home. He uses the rail next to the toilet paper dispenser to stand, taking his back and putting one strap on his shoulder, his back stinging with pain as the bag lands on the scars. He seethes, spitting through his teeth as he starts to trudge to the nurse's, hoping the nice one is there. He enters the poster-plastered room and puts his name into the sign up sheet. He sits down, back stinging once more as he sits in the terrible chair. He feels the bile rising in his throat, he tries to swallow it down and let the nurse finish with her current student sitting in the chair.  

But it becomes too much and Jeremy pulls out the small trash can under the table holding the sign in sheet and he just lets it out. The nurse realizes Jeremy's sudden vomiting and quickly asks him if he has a parent who could come and pick him up. Her hand is on his shoulder, he subtly ushers it off, saying that his dad is home today. He just had to feel like shit on the day his dad is working from home. "I'll call him and come ask him to come get you." He nods his head, putting the trashcan down on the ground and picks up his bag and rests it in his lap. He can hear the distant conversation she is having with his dad. He lets the small ringing in his ear continue to grow as Keanu Reeves speaks in his ear. He starts to cry again, the nurse trying to soothe him until his dad gets there. It doesn't work but he stops crying, looking like a freak who doesn't want to be sick. But the sickness being the ignoring. It's like a dull stab to his heart, to his stomach, to his knees, to his eyes. He wants to hide, he wants to die. ' _Everything about me is so terrible. Everything about me makes me wants to die.'_  He starts to repeat in his head, ending up with himself curling into a ball and almost falling off the chair and onto the hard, carpeted floor. "What an oxymoron." He whispers to himself as the nurse sends him to the office. He walks slowly, knees close to buckling and letting him also faint multiple times as the ringing in his head grows. It's louder than the click clack of the super intendent's heels as she passes him in the hallway. He reaches the wooden door, opening and seeing his dad talking to the office lady while filling out the paperwork.  

He realizes Jeremy is there, cutting off his conversation and helping Jeremy walk to the car. "Kiddo are you okay?" Jeremy looks at him, a basic look of death on his face as his face is thinning and pale becoming paler. "I don't know anymore." He looks forward, ignoring the worried gaze of his dad. They arrive back at the house and Jeremy exits to his room. He lays on his bed, staring at the ceiling. He sees stupid stickers he and Michael stuck onto the ceiling, they were Star Wars stickers of Han Solo and Luke Skywalker. And the sight is enough to make Jeremy cry again, turning away from the ceiling and trying to get under his covers and looking at his phone again. He unlocks it hastily and enters his messages again. 

heereicome,heerigo,cottoneyejere: mike this isn't funny 

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heereicome,heerigo,cottoneyejere: MICHAEL! 

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Jeremy closes his phone, tears falling freely now. He puts a hand openly on his face, the back of it resting on his eyes. He looks like he suffered a death in a Shakespeare play. But he's just been blocked out. He's not surprised anymore why he would be ignored and hated. He's terrible, he wants to die. But looking at the any possibilities in his room he sighs, he could pull a Veronica and make a harness with his clothes and have a fake death and run away and die a lonely neat. A fucking hermit, that's how he'll end his life. He gives up on trying to think about it, knowing if he got Michael mad, which why wouldn't they be mad at him. He ignored his best friend, treated him like the utmost trash. Basically left him alone in a bathroom with no one else to turn to. He fucking almost had sex with Chloe, almost cheating on his girlfriend. They both had reasons to be mad at him. Jake was angry, Jeremy almost had sex with his ex. Rich was an ass, but that’s just the SQUIP talking. Christine had every right, a whole list of ten thousand reasons why she should be mad at him. And Michael, he had more than a thousand, he had ten million reasons to be angry at Jeremy. And all were because of the SQUIP, Jeremy was the one stupid enough to decide to get one. To be cool. To get Christine. They had decided it wasn't what they wanted the second day. He left Michael, treated him like shit under his shoe and all he wants to do is apologize for forever. He just wants to go to Michael's and curl up on the bean bag chair and play video games with him. To laugh and have a fun time like they used to.  

Jeremy's back stings with pain as the tears fall faster. He wants to puke again, the ringing starting again. His breathing uneven and his limbs buckling underneath him as he crawls to the bathroom. He sits next to the toilet, fidgeting with the phone. Turning it on and off, staring at the lockscreeen (a picture he took of him and Michael in the hospital) and feeling the numbness seeping into his bones. He can't go back, he can't move, he can't face them all. He has a death grip on his phone as he throws up again, leaning over the toilet as his hair lurches over his nose. He tastes the vomit on his tongue and the sourness makes his face prune up. He flushes the toilet, trying to get up, his limbs are pins and needles and he slips, landing on his chest with a hand on the rim of the toilet and one crushed under him with the phone in it's hand. He cries again, the limbs in his body returning slightly and he can crawl on his legs and one arm. He lets himself get to his room before just letting himself lay on the floor. 'I don't deserve to sleep on a bed.' He says to himself through he haze of his mind, the looks are swimming through his mind and he sobs out. He lets himself fall asleep on the floor as he feels hungry. He won't get up, every part of him is heavy. His eyes close slowly as he stares at the mess under his bed, clothes and shoes and he can see the stuff the SQUIP forced him to buy. Another sob makes it way out of Jeremy, before his body plunges into a void sleep.  

- 

Jeremy doesn't feel nice the rest of the weekend, ignoring the food his dad puts on his desk with the stacking up waterbottles. Jeremy ignores all the pleads to get out of bed, go see Michael. Michael. Michael. Michae— Jeremy pulls out his phone, typing in the number he knows by heart. "Sorry, loyal service user, but the number you are trying to reach has either been deleted or has blocked you. If you are hearing this message please try to reach our costumer support at +1(800)923-29382." Jeremy lets out a racked sob and he throws the phone at his closet, it landing harshly at the back. He faces the wall and he cries. His breath becoming unsteady and he ends up hyperventilating, holding himself to the blanket on top of him and he tries to steady himself. Spoiler alert: It doesn't help. It makes him worse. His breaths are ragged under the blanket as it heavily sits on top of him. The ringing is becoming louder, getting louder than the SQUIP yelling at him. It's like Mr. Robot, the yelling becoming booming and his actions being lead by this person in his head, but it's not a personality disorder leading off of unfair death (spoiler alert Jeremy, you could've died) stemming from an absent dad and abusive mother. No, this thing, the Keanu Reeves fucker in his head, is there by choice. He had chosen to buy the SQUIP. Maybe if he hadn't been born none of this would've happened? 

Michael could be the happy stoner he is, not having to worry about Jeremy for the rest of his life. The rest of the 'SQUIP' squad would be happier without him, they are only his friends because of the SQUIP. That terrible machine. But it's right. Jeremy is annoying. His sobs are silenced by the ringing, his limbs numb. And he is starting to feel tired. He closes his eyes, facing the wall and tearing himself apart from the inside out.  

He opens his eyes, looking at the wall again. He wants to die, seeing his stupid green walls, seeing the posters he and Michael had pumped up.  

He doesn't go to school, not feeling good. He drank water yesterday, it made him want to puke up the tasteless substance. He stares at the closet door, expecting to maybe hear a notification from one of his friends. But nothing comes.  

It's Wednesday and Jeremy doesn't feel any better. He rolls over, staring at the closet again. He cries again. Tears don’t fall anymore, just the sounds of his aching. But when the land line from downstairs rings, Jeremy hopes its Michael. His dad picks it up, replying and it's not Michael. "Michael doesn't care anymore Jeremy. He hates you." Keanu Reeves starts to repeat, making Jeremy's breathing pick up and he starts to hear the ringing. But Keanu Reeves speaks over it, like he's right in Jeremy's face. He jumps, "Oh Jeremy you little loser, did you really expect for anyone to care about you? That's pathetic." Jeremy can see him, standing in his room. He can't breathe no matter how many times he intakes breaths and he feels tired. His eyes clothes as his door swings open and he hears his dad freak out. "Goodbye dad." He whispers, letting everything take him. 

- 

His eyes open and he is in a hospital room. It's white and neat and he can't move his arm. He looks to his left, his dad asleep on his arm. He starts to laugh to himself, he's an idiot. He ended up back here, tears fall again. He wants to die. His eyes close again.  

- 

TheGayIsInThisOne has entered [Ignoring Jeremy Squad] 

TheGayIsInThisOne: GUYs 

TheGayIsInThisOne: THiS iS SERIOUS 

bbybibibi has entered [Ignoring Jeremy Squad] 

AlgyNO has entered [Ignoring Jeremy Squad] 

jakeyd has entered [Ignoring Jeremy Squad] 

AlgyNO: Michael what's up? 

TheGayIsInThisOne: It's Jeremy 

bbybibibi: what? did that son of a bitch talk to you?! what did he say 

AlgyNO: yeah I'll kick his ass to New England 

heatherchandlerincarnate has entered [Ignoring Jeremy Squad] 

TheGayIsInThisOne: He didn't say anything to me, BECAUSE HE'S IN THE DAMN HOSPITAL 

TheGayIsInThisOne: WHICH ONCE OF YOU DID THIS 

AlgyNO: Michael! Calm down! How do you know? 

TheGayIsInThisOne: When Jere was in the hospital after the SQUIP shit I befriended one of the nurses and we exchanged numbers and she texted me an hour ago saying THAT JEREMY IS BACK AT THE HOSPITAL 

heatherchandlderincarnate: jerrys back in the hospital? 

TheGayIsInThisOne: YES 

TheGayIsInThisOne: SOMEONE MUST'VE BEAT HIM UP OR SOMETHING 

TheGayIsInThisOne: The nurse didn’t say anything about why he's there 

TheGayIsInThisOne: I'm worried 

jakeyd: but doesn't he deserve it? 

bbybibibi: yea 

TheGayIsInThisOne: GOD NO HE DOESN'T 

Heatherchandlerincarnate: I say he does 

TheGayIsInThisOne: YOU GUYS FUCKING TOOK WHAT I SAID WAY TOO FAR 

TheGayIsInThisOne: LIKE YES THANK YOU FOR FUCKING STANDING UP TO ME 

TheGayIsInThisOne: BUT JEREMY MISSING SCHOOL, YOU GUYS BLOCKING HIM OUT OF MY LIFE 

TheGayIsInThisOne: YOU MADE ME BLOCK HIS NUMBER, you made me ignore him 

TheGayIsInThisOne: he looked hurt, like fucking killed a puppy sad 

TheGayIsInThisOne: yes he ignored me, but the SQUIP was controlling him, it wasn't his fault 

TheGayIsInThisOne: yeah he called me a loser, but THAT DOESN'T MEAN SEND HIM TO THE DAMN HOSPITAL 

TheGayIsInThisOne: SHE REPLIED, I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL KILL ANY ONE OF YOU RIGHT NOW 

TheGayIsInThisOne left [Ignoring Jeremy Squad] 

heatherchandlerincarnate: holy shit 

TheGayIsInThisOne enters [Ignoring Jeremy Squad] 

TheGayIsInThisOne: im going to cry 

AlgyNO: Michael? 

TheGayIsInThisOne changes the group chat name from [Ignoring Jeremy Squad] to [what the fuck did u do to him] 

TheGayIsInThisOne: He's in the hospital for dehydration, malnutrition and for panic attacks 

TheGayIsInThisOne: I hope you are all fucking happy 

TheGayIsInThisOne removed TheGayIsInThisOne from [what the fuck did u do to him] 

- 

Michael runs out of his house, keys in his hands and running towards his car. He backs out of the driveway, tears falling into his lap as he races to the hospital. He parks and quickly locks his car and runs inside. He's a mess. The nurse he was texting is at reception, she smiles and tell him the room and he races away with a quick thank you. He is at the door, it opening with the keycard she had slid him before his rush. He opens the door, scared of what he'll find. He looks at Jeremy, seeing him skinnier than he's ever been. His skin is pale and the bags under his eyes are prominent and Michael just breaks down. He lands on his knees and he's trying to wipe the tears with his hands but more keep flowing and all he wants to do is tell Jeremy he's sorry. He tries to move his way towards Jeremy, he stands to Jeremy's right and holds his hand. He cries into it, holding it to his lips as he lets out shaky breaths. "I'm so sorry Jeremy." He says and rests his head on Jeremy's hand.  

"M-Michael." A really weak voice says and Michael flinches and almost lets the hand go. He cries harder.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi, 
> 
> please hate me
> 
> scream at me
> 
> i hate myself for writing this
> 
> im also listening to word fail and crying
> 
> im also supposed to be asleep
> 
> i hate myself
> 
> pace from gay rade space dad


	2. Fuck, I think I fucked up but hey at least I'm not SQUIPed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> MORE ANSGTY HAPPINESS. I LOVE YOU JEREMIAH HEERE I MADE IT BETTER

Jeremy smiles weakly, tears falling out of his eyes. He can't think anymore, Michael is standing there and holding his hand and crying. "Good job, you made him cry." Keanu Reeves taunts in his head. "Jeremy, I'm so sorry. I can't believe I let them take it this far." He utters out, holding Jeremy's hand to his face. "What?" Jeremy mumbles out, looking at Michael through the blur of tears. Michael breaks the contact and grabs a chair and sits next to Jeremy. He takes the hand back in his two and looks at Jeremy. He lets out a stupid smile and it looks sadder with the tears falling down his face. "The only reason that you ended up here was me. I told them everything about you leaving me for the SQUIP and the bathroom thing. And they took it too far." Michael is broken off when Jeremy somehow wiggles his other arm out from under his dad and he sits up to place it on Michael's face. Michael looks at him, a saddening smile on his face and he moves one of his hands and puts it on the hand on his cheek. He leans into it before continuing. He missed Jeremy, more than he would like to admit. But his touches are always light and airy and make Michael feel good. "They made me block your number and swore to beat you up if you said anything to me again. And like I'm so sorry this happened. I feel like jackass for letting it happen, I let them treat you like shit. God I missed you so much Jeremy. Like I tried to play video games with Rich, but it wasn't the same. He kept dying and I kept thinking about the things you would do. Like not walk into the same death trap five times, and not let me alone. And I was so worried about you, and like I tried to leave but like Rich was staying at my house and every time I went to go get my keys he would take them and hide them. And every time I asked for them to check up on you they said they would and said you were fine but I knew they were lies. And I was right to believe that they never once tried to check up on you. I tried calling your house number but Rich like almost broke my phone for doing that."  

Michael starts to sob, hiding behind their clasped hands and Jeremy moves his hand to Michael's shoulder and pulls him into his chest. "Mike it's okay. It's okay. Everything is going to fine. I'm okay. I'm okay. A little battered and bruised but I'm okay. A little emotionally broken down but I'm okay. Don't beat yourself up anymore." Michael starts to try and wiggle his way onto the bed and lay next to Jeremy. "I saw your texts Jere. Your number was blocked and everything but the messages got through. God I felt like an asshole but Rich and Jake were breathing down my neck and would make sure I went to bed first and I couldn't get away from them. And the one time they went home I find out about you here and god I missed you. And I messed up. And I don't know if you can forgive me." Jeremy lets out a shaky laugh, Michael looks up at Jeremy's face and staring at the small amount of returning color.  

"Mike I can never be mad at you. I already forgave you in my sleep buddy. I thought I did something. And all I've heard for comfort was Keanu Reeves telling me to die." Jeremy snakes an arm around Michael's waist and he cuddles into Jeremy's chest. "Well buddy, I for one would be fucking in hysterics if you died. So don't you dare." Jeremy squeezes Michael lightly, "Wouldn't think of it buddy." The share a smile and then Michael pulls out his phone and stupid Apple headphones. They listening to music and lay together until Heidi (Michael's nurse friend) enters the room and Michael goes to move but she smiles and gives him a shooing motion and he lays back down. Jeremy had fallen asleep after 'Cecily Smith' (a bonus track from an off-broadway show that Jeremy likes) played and Michael doesn't want to dose off but the smell of hospital mixed with the stupid smell of Michael's hoodie (home, but now his person home [Jeremy]) make him drowsy and he closes his eyes. Jeremy's head ends up on Michael's forehead and he smiles into the hospital gown.  

Michael wakes to Jeremy speaking to him lightly, smiling softly as Michael's eyes open. "Hey Mike, I'm allowed to leave. Just need to change." Michael nods, and sits up. He grabs his phone and let's Jeremy sit up again. Jeremy's dad is talking to a shorter person in scrubs. "Can you close the curtain so I can change?" Jeremy says, it came out like a question but Michael did it immediately and Jeremy sends him thankful smile. "Thank you." He mumbles and slowly gets out of bed, wincing at his back. Michael rushes to his side quickly and helps him stand. Michael gets the clothes at the end of the bed and brings them to Jeremy, he smiles and takes them from Michael. He turns away slightly and Michael can see something on Jeremy's back that pokes out through the place where the dress is tied. "Jere?" Michael whispers, before Jeremy asks him for help to undo it. When he gets closer he starts to worry. "What's this?" Michael whispers as he undoes the top tie. Jeremy whips around, facing Michael, his eyes are welling with tears and he hugs Michael. "The SQUIP did that whenever I did something bad." He sobs into Michael's shoulder and Michael airs his hands around Jeremy's back and lightly hugs him back. "God. Fuck. I love you Jere, you don't deserve that. I am here for you okay. Fuck. God. I thought that fucking floppy disk was bad but FUCK. That fucker is dead. No one does this to my Jerebear and gets away with it." Jeremy starts to giggle, pulling away and smiling at Michael. "Thank you Mike. I'll go to you immediately when he's back." "You better." They laugh and Jeremy goes to change, he slips his shirt over his back, the sweater and he jiggles his pants on and slips his socks on and shoes and turns back to Michael giving the most supportive smile. They pull back the curtain and find Jeremy's dad smiling and leaning against the door. "How you doin' kiddo?" Jeremy nods and says, "I think I'm better now." "Good. I was worried there." Jeremy nods again, intertwining his fingers with Michael. The familiar feeling of holding his hand ties him to reality and they leave the room and go towards the lobby. The color is slowly returning to Jeremy and Michael likes this Jeremy, happy Jeremy.  

When they reach the lobby a familiar group of six teens sit in a huddled group at a table and are looking anxious and like guilt has beaten them on the head. When Jeremy's dad goes to discuss the payment with the receptionist, Jeremy and Michael to walk out when the group walks up to them. Jeremy's grip on Michael's hand tightens greatly and he squeezes back. "Jeremy." Christine says, looking at him with tears almost in her eyes. Jeremy doesn't say a word, and walks away and Michael follows him without a word. When they reach Michael's PT Cruiser, Jeremy pulls Michael into his chest and starts to cry. They stand together in the embrace and both cry. The surrounding foggy day turns into rain and they jump into Michael's car and breathe. "I'm sorry. I didn't know they were going to show up. And god I should've just told them to leave." Jeremy looks at him, grabbing his face and pushing their foreheads together. "Don't do this Mike. You didn't know they were going to come. Don't blame yourself anymore, please." "If you stop blaming yourself for what the SQUIP made you do, I won't blame myself for all of this." "Touché babe." They smile at each other and start to laugh, Michael's phone chimes and he looks at the text before returning his gaze to Jeremy. "Just your dad. Wants us to meet at your house. And he's asking for me to stay forever." Jeremy laughs, rubbing his arm and leaning against Michael. "Can you stay forever?" Michael snorts and puts his lips onto Jeremy's hair, "I wish I could. Maybe if I can grab all my video games and my shit from my room I can move into your guest room." Jeremy laughs, "Ask your mom dude." Michael hums in response and they stay together for a while. "God I love you so much." Jeremy says.   

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> y'all hi,
> 
> fuck
> 
> i have a summerween party in two hours
> 
> also
> 
> i apparently write good angst?
> 
> like thank you all for the comments, im fucking crying over will connolly rn bc (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bAfnWMd3flE&list=PLELrNoyFK1jG69Z8ssPYWpuyMjT9cXfnI&index=18) is THE SADDEST SONG EVER AND IT MAKES ME WANT TO DIE
> 
> and i literally wrote some of this from prior experience of someone going to the hospital for a surprise so that's fun
> 
> jere and mike are happy and in oblivious love and the touching they do is purely platonic ok
> 
> and SQUIP squad made asses of themselves
> 
> okay i gotta go fucking bathe myself clean of all sin
> 
> and i actually wasn't planning for a second chap but he(e)re is one
> 
> peace from gay rad space dad


End file.
